those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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