between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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