He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
