You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
