I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Randomize
