New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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