i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize