every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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