We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
