for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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