I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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