i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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