ya dads aren't the best wingmen
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
