mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
this just has baby written all over it
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
