you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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