Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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