Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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