i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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