you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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