If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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