phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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