my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
