Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
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