so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
