Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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