My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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