I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
