so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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