You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Randomize
