I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
