Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
