Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
