Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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