life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
