so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
