R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
