I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm drive I can fine osifer
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
