ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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