OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
