eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize