I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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