420 ftw
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
