my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
