At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
