why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
