I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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