I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
