Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
