I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
