I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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