I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
