Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
