last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
