Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
