Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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