no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
