I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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